Clara Jeanne
It was a beautiful sunny Thursday morning and I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant on July 23, 2020. As we had done almost every day during my pregnancy, my dog Raleigh and I got out for a walk before it got too hot outside and while we were walking, we saw a bald eagle flying in the field near our house. Silly and superstitious maybe, but I took note of this since bald eagles seemed to make a habit of appearing on significant events, including the morning of our wedding and almost every day of our honeymoon. I laughed to myself and wondered tongue-in-cheek if this could be a sign of good things ahead.
That afternoon and evening, I noticed some contractions while preparing dinner and continuing through dinner. This was fairly normal and I didn’t think much of it since the weekdays prior to this I had experienced increasing Braxton Hicks during the late afternoons and evenings that would eventually dissipate after bedtime. After washing the dishes, my husband and I headed outside to walk around the yard together, enjoying the summer evening and all the plants and flowers in our yard and garden. While walking around our pond, I said to Andrew, “We should take a selfie together. It might be our last picture as a family of two!” So we did, and that did indeed turn out to be our last picture as a family of two! I also experienced a strong sense of a need for privacy during our time outside. Our neighbor across the street has a tendency to drop by unannounced and I was desperately hoping that wouldn’t happen this evening. Whether that was due to being 40+4 and knowing a baby HAD to be joining us soon, or due to the short dress I was wearing (ha – being heavily pregnant in July means the less clothes, the better!), or truly due to some kind of early labor intuition (though I didn’t know I was in early labor), I felt extremely private and more introverted than usual towards anyone besides Andrew. Odd, but that is what I was strongly thinking and feeling.
After this, Andrew headed inside for a shower and I stayed out on the back porch gazing at the pretty pink sunset clouds and experiencing a few more contractions. Again I felt that “this could be the night” nostalgia and snapped a couple pictures of my view from the deck. For some reason I just felt I needed to remember that moment. It was so peaceful and beautiful. After his shower, Andrew joined me out on the porch and we spent the rest of the evening sitting together under the glow of the patio lights, enjoying the summer night sounds, talking, and laughing at Raleigh who was chasing and snapping at bugs and moths attracted by the lights. I realized that the contractions were continuing to be somewhat consistent so decided to start timing them around 9:30pm. They ranged from about 4 to 8 minutes apart and were about a minute long.
At some point during our conversations on the porch that evening I remember getting internally briefly annoyed at Andrew when he said something that was supposed to be funny while I was working through a contraction. I should have clued in that my sense of humor was starting to fade and something was going on, although I was still very much at peace and enjoying our evening together. It truly never occurred to me to contact the midwives at any point during this evening since, as stated previously, I had experienced somewhat regular surges the previous few evenings which had not amounted to anything and I assumed the same thing would happen this evening, or at least that if it was labor I had hours and hours to go and probably would even be able to sleep through the night. The contractions were also seemingly so mild and only requiring a bit of concentration and slightly altered breathing that I didn’t think they could be the real deal.
We decided to call it a night at about 11pm and headed in to get ready for bed. We got in bed at about 11:15pm and I noticed the surges were starting to get a bit stronger and required a bit more concentrated breathing. Around 11:25pm I felt a small little gush and said “ope”, popped up out of bed, and bee-lined it to the bathroom. I had leaked something but not enough to soak through to the bedsheets. I assumed it was probably my water breaking a bit but wasn’t totally sure since it wasn’t a huge gush. I headed back into the bedroom where Andrew was still in bed and said, “um, so, I think my water just broke. ?!?” He responded in a bit of shock and I assured him that I probably still had a long time to go, if this was even labor. He then realized he hadn’t tested out the adaptor to the hose for the birth pool and was also concerned that the hose might not reach all the way so we decided to make sure. The adaptor worked, so I then held the hose up to the shower head while he ran it to the pool that I had set up in the living room a week or so before to check the length. From the living room I heard a “oh maannnn”, followed by a “......just kidding. It’s long enough.” Needless to say I was not amused at his little joke! At some point during this I worked through a couple contractions leaning forward against the living room couch while cuddling Raleigh. He was being a good boy despite the unusual flurry of activity late at night.
After testing out the hose setup for the birth pool I told Andrew he should go back to bed and try to get some sleep while he had the opportunity to and that I would stay in the living room or bathroom and work through contractions out there and would call him if I needed him. I even naively said that I might go back to bed if I could. Let’s just say no sleep happened for us the rest of that night! I felt the urge to use the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a while as my body cleaned itself out in preparation for birth. This was when things started getting a lot more intense and I found myself moaning through each wave. Andrew joined me and I decided I should notify my midwives of what was happening; however, I was starting to go into “labor land” and my brain was not thinking logically at the time. Part of me was somehow still denying that this was labor and since it probably wasn’t labor, I didn’t want to bother the midwives with a disruptive phone call at midnight and wake them up for no reason. (Note: This was my fault completely, as we had been educated on when to call them. It was simply a lapse in logical thinking for me. Just CALL YOUR MIDWIFE if you need to!) So instead I sat on the toilet for close to 20 minutes attempting to compose a text to them in between contractions, which at this point seemed to be coming almost on top of each other. Finally at 12:03am I sent this text:
Me: “Just letting you know that things may be starting to happen. Been having more consistent contractions starting this evening and I think I may be leaking some waters (happened about half an hour ago, not a gush but definitely more than a trickle). They were about 6 minutes apart but seemed to have picked up in the last half hour or so.”
Jennifer: “Oh! Try to get some rest. Maybe try a shower.”
Me: “Just had bloody show too. Going to try the shower next.”
I attempted the shower for about 5 minutes but then got out because it was not comfortable at all to me and I felt like I needed to sit on the toilet some more. I think I may have been nearing transition because I remember feeling overwhelmingly how hard this was and praying desperately to the Lord for strength. After I got out of the shower I told Andrew I was going to check myself. I’m not really sure how I was denying labor while at the same time wondering if I might be far enough along that I could actually feel something, but logic seems to disappear during labor, at least for me. So I checked and to my surprise, I felt something within reach and thought it might be the top of my baby’s head but wasn’t sure. I then went back to sitting on the toilet with Andrew crouching in front of me and holding my hand or letting me lean on him if I needed to during contractions. I was moaning through every wave and they seemed to be getting more and more intense as well as faster and faster with less of a break in between. More texting:
Jennifer: “How long are the contractions?”
Me: “No less than a minute.”
Jennifer: “How are you coping?”
Me: “Vocalizing a lot.” (Translation: I sounded like a very loud, dying cow.)
Me: “It seems to have come really fast so I’m trying to get on top of them”
Jennifer: “Try the shower and check in afterwards”
“Sounds like things are progressing”
“You can start filling the pool if you want.”
“Would you like us to come now?”
Me: “Things definitely have not been slowing down the past hr and 10 mins.” (Translation: brain isn’t working, probably close to or in transition but still denying labor. Should have called midwives an hour ago.)
Jennifer: “How far apart are the contractions?”
Me: “I will time the next few”
(Fumbling attempts to focus enough to start and stop contraction timer app on phone, contractions are 1-2 minutes apart)
Me: “A couple mins”
Jennifer: “Ok. If they’ve been getting stronger all this time and they’re taking all of your attention and focus to cope with then it would make sense for us to come now.” (Translation: why hasn’t this crazy woman just CALLED us?!? Trying to decode progress of labor through texts...)
Me: “I agree.”
Jennifer: “Ok. Will head your way.”
Soon after this I think I hit full blown transition because I kept repeating over and over again to Andrew, “This is so hard. This is so hard. This is so hard” followed by, “It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” The contractions were extremely intense and rapid fire and completely overtaking my body and focus. I wouldn’t describe them as incredibly painful, though there was certainly pain involved. It was more so the absolute intensity and power of them and the sense of being completely out of control of what my body was doing and trying to go with the flow and ride the waves. Women’s bodies during labor are an absolute force that cannot be reckoned with.
Moments after this, I was moaning (increasingly loudly) through a wave and suddenly during its peak I heard myself grunting from deep within and felt my body push. It was a completely new kind of force that had overtaken my body; entirely inescapable with nothing I could do to fight it. I told Andrew, “I think I just pushed a little bit!” Another wave came soon after and though I did my absolute best to try and relax through it, I felt that overwhelming pushing sensation overtake my body yet again. I kept saying over and over, “I can’t be pushing already; it’s too early; there’s no way I’m pushing already”. I just couldn’t believe that I could possibly be anywhere near needing to push. (Yes, I know, even despite possibly feeling my baby’s head earlier. I think I was in a state of disbelief basically the whole night until my baby was in my arms!) I also knew that I should try to avoid pushing because 1) I understood the danger of cervical swelling that occurs when pushing before full dilation and I had no idea how dilated I was, and 2) if I really was ready to push, I wasn’t quite prepared to deliver a baby on the toilet before the midwives got there. So I kept trying to breathe and vocalize through each contraction and avoid the pushing sensation that came with each one. It was extremely difficult to fight against however and I could still feel my body pushing with each wave. More texts:
Me: “I’m feeling pushy already. Trying not to”
Jennifer: “Your body is amazing! Try lying on your side and blowing through them I will be there in about 15 minutes” (For whatever reason the positivity in this text was SO encouraging to me at the time.)
About 40 minutes elapsed from the time I started feeling pushing sensations to the time Jennifer arrived, the first part of which I was still working through contractions on the toilet with Andrew’s support. At one point I noticed him covertly doing something on his phone and immediately said, “What are you doing on your phone?!” (Translation: I’m about to have a baby and you’re scrolling FACEBOOK?!?!?) He put it away but told me later that he had done a quick Google search on “How to deliver a baby”. Poor guy said that those 40 minutes were the longest week of his life! (Note: We had watched the birth class videos together and the midwives had prepared us well and provided us with an instruction sheet on delivering unassisted in an emergency, but I don’t think he had that handy.)
I then decided to try and make the journey from the bathroom to our bed so I could try lying on my side as Jennifer had suggested. I even considered lying right there on the bathroom floor because our bed seemed so far away but finally mustered up enough motivation and courage and made it to the bed (thank goodness for a small house!). Once there, I lay on my side and began doing horsey lips and blowing raspberries during each contraction to try to avoid pushing. Andrew was by my side holding my hand and doing his best to support me while also checking the time, fervently praying for the midwives to arrive and filling up the birth pool. Occasionally during the whole process he would have to leave to do a task or check on the pool and I would get extremely annoyed and desperately yell “ANDREW!!! I need you!!!” Thankfully however he was able to be by my side as much as possible.
About 1:40am we finally heard Raleigh barking and knew the first of the midwives had arrived. Andrew left me to go tend to the dog and let Jennifer in. The moment she came into the room was like an angel appearing. Here I was, in the middle of the night, lying there buck naked, probably pooping, and sounding like a hyperventilating horse. Yet she brought such a quiet, calming presence and acted like it was the most normal and natural thing in the world. I’m pretty sure I heard a heavenly chorus singing. After she checked baby’s heart rate and my blood pressure I asked, “Is everything good??” and she confirmed that everything was normal and healthy. Instantly I felt so much relief and knew everything was going to be fine. She then checked me and said, “There’s no cervix. You’re fully dilated. You can push.” I was absolutely and utterly shocked and kept saying, “Are you serious?! It’s just been so fast!” and then to Andrew, “Did you hear that?? She said I can push!” I was simply not expecting to have progressed so rapidly. During all of my labor prep – reading books, listening to podcasts, hearing other birth stories – I always had assumed I would have a long labor, as many first time moms do. I also assumed I would know exactly what stages of labor I was in as they were occurring: early labor, active labor, transition, pushing. As it turned out I basically didn’t know (or accept, if we’re being honest) that I was in labor until my body said, “Whelp, you’re having a baby, I’m just going to push it out now, mmkay?”
Within a few minutes the rest of the birth team showed up – Jenn (midwife) and Kelsey (student). Jennifer told me afterward that when she checked me, baby’s head was only one knuckle length away from coming out. Andrew left again to go wrangle the dog and let them in and I had a couple more contractions while he was gone. I had been holding on to him during each one prior and desperately needed something to grasp so I asked Jennifer, “Can I hold your hand?” Of course she said yes and I probably crushed it but it was so wonderful to have her support in Andrew’s momentary absence.
I labored on my side in bed for a little while longer until the birth pool was ready and Jennifer asked if I’d like to get in the pool. Honestly at the moment I really didn’t know what I wanted and it seemed really difficult to work up the motivation to move again, but I knew in my head that I had decided previously to try the pool during labor and had been envisioning a water birth so I decided to head to the living room and get in. It was a beautiful and calming scene as I had hung soft white string lights from the curtain rods, cut fresh zinnias from the garden, and positioned the birth pool near our indoor plant table and palm tree. The water was quite nice and relaxing and I felt most comfortable on my knees leaning forward against the side of the pool with Kelsey checking baby’s heart rate in between contractions, Jennifer providing support and counterpressure to my perineum during pushes, and Jenn documenting notes on her laptop from the couch. Andrew was sitting in front of me where I could squeeze his hands and use him as a physical support during a contraction. I would sit up taller during a contraction and rest against the side of the pool in between. At one point in between contractions I noticed him get up, take off his wedding ring and set it to the side and I laughed out loud because I realized how hard I was squeezing his hands. Of course he was so much more than just a physical support – having him there with me, encouraging me, praying for me, looking into my eyes and telling me I could do it and that this is what my body was designed for, was exactly the mental and emotional support that I needed. The intimacy we experienced during that time was wonderful and I have never been more convinced that he is truly my soul mate and best friend. I never could have gotten through without him.
After getting in the pool, time seemed to slow down somewhat. I’m not sure if it was due to the fact that things were less chaotic and more under control than the first part of labor and maybe my adrenaline rush subsided a bit, or if it was because of the change in position and the warm, relaxing nature of the pool, or due to baby’s nuchal hand (which we found out about when she was born), but my labor seemed to slow down a bit as well. Still progressing, but at a slightly less frenzied pace than the previous 2 hours. A lot of people say that they enjoy pushing because it allows them to work with their body rather than just riding it out. I definitely was thankful to be past the crazy rollercoaster of transition but I didn’t love pushing. I didn’t hate it either but I found it difficult to feel all of that increasing pressure and stretching and to have to continue to push through those sensations. I did my best to listen to my body and let it do as much of the work on its own and only push when I felt the urge. It was incredible to feel the raw power that would overtake my body. I have never roared so loudly or worked so hard in my life. And it is hard work! Partway through I got so incredibly hot despite the cold washcloths that were draped over my neck and back and asked Andrew, “Can you like, fan me with something?” So he grabbed a church bulletin off the nearby end table and fanned me with it. The cool air felt so refreshing on my face and was just what I needed, along with lots of sips of ice water in between contractions.
Finally I could feel the pressure in my pelvis increasing, along with a burning, stretching sensation and the overwhelming feeling of the need to have a bowel movement. I told Jennifer, “I hate feeling like I need to poop!” and she just smiled and said, “It’s just your baby”. Who knew having a baby really does feel like pooping out a bowling ball! Jennifer, Jenn, and Kelsey were all very encouraging and kept saying things like, “You’re so close!” “You’re doing so good”, and, “You’re so strong”. I kept wondering if they were lying to me when they said I was “so close”... but as it turned out, they were telling the truth. Soon Jennifer told me that I could reach down and feel my baby and sure enough, I could feel the top of baby’s head with a full head of hair! A little later I heard the words “full crown”, and “little pushes; blow, blow”, and soon after that, along with the most intense burning and pressure I’d ever felt, the head was born. I rested there for a few moments until the next contraction when I roared one last time and pushed the rest of baby’s body out at 3:23am. I will never forget that moment of looking down and seeing my baby there in the water before reaching in and pulling baby up out of the water to me. Eight seconds later we saw the first breath and heard the first little noises. I would say first “cry” but baby was so calm and pink and healthy and barely even cried! I was so relieved that it was done and could hardly believe what I had just accomplished and that I was holding my baby in my arms after dreaming about that moment for so long. They helped me sit back against the pool and Andrew and I looked at our child and looked into each other’s eyes and kissed and simply reveled in it all. Such a little miracle.
Eventually we realized that we didn’t know if we had a little boy or a little girl! Andrew had been quite convinced during my entire pregnancy that we were having a little boy (but of course was excited for either one), and almost everyone else guessed that it would be a boy as well. I had no inklings one way or the other but since everyone else seemed so convinced we were having a boy I was partially expecting that to happen. Well, we checked, and – it was a girl! Little Clara Jeanne. So beautiful, so perfect. I joked to Andrew that “at least we don’t have to worry about what to do about circumcision now!”
Within 15 minutes or so I felt more cramping and gave a few more little pushes to birth the placenta. Clara had a very long cord which soon stopped pulsating and was ready to be cut. Andrew is very squeamish about anything medical and we had previously discussed that we were fine with someone else cutting the cord. Well, they clamped it off and handed him the scissors and he turned out to be a cord cutting champ! Then he got to hold his daughter for the first time while I was assisted out of the pool, dried off, and walked to our bed. I remember Jenn commenting, “You’re moving pretty good for someone who just had a baby!” After getting us situated in bed, they checked me over and performed all of the initial newborn checks on Clara and weighed her in the cute little stork sling – she was 7 lb 9 oz and 20 inches long.
Finally around 5:30am after cleaning up the pool and making sure we were healthy and resting comfortably, the birth team headed out, saying that Jennifer or Jenn would be back on Saturday morning to check on us and do some more newborn testing. It was an incredibly surreal feeling when they left – suddenly we had the quiet, dark house to ourselves, and a new baby in our arms! Just the three of us and Raleigh (who was being a very good, meek, patient boy, almost like he knew something special was up). The sky was just starting to show a tinge of the dawn that would be arriving soon and we suddenly realized we hadn’t slept all night and were very, very tired. So we fell asleep with little Clara snuggled against my chest – a new family of three, tucked safely away in bed surrounded by all the comforts of home. A few hours later we woke up to beautiful sunshine and clear blue skies – another perfect July summer day. Those first days were spent with long mornings cuddled up in bed, nursing, eating good food, gazing at that beautiful little face and overwhelmed with thankfulness to God at all of the blessings we were given, not the least of which was our new precious daughter. We are so thankful to our birth team for the exceptional care and support they gave us and the wonderful birth experience we were able to have because of them!
We love you, Clara Jeanne!